The Fickle World of a 20 Something.

It has recently come to my attention how fickle I have become. Even at the now grand old age of 26 I am something of a dithering fool. I am plagued by indecision everywhere I go, suddenly every choice I make feels like it could be the be all and end all of an ideal I cling to. I am stuck at a crossroads with hundreds of paths I could walk down, but if I turn down one, will I loose my way to the others?

It is a common phrase; your twenties are the best time of your life, it is perhaps this expectation that is so debilitating. If my twenties are the best time of my life, perhaps I am living them all wrong. I am muddled by questions and decisions, to the point that even deciding  what to wear every morning is a palaver! Who thought deciding which shoes to wear could take a giant leap and become thoughts of what am I really doing with my life, but there you have it, boots or flats are now the grand philosophical questions of the day. 

So I sit on my metaphorical roundabout; I imagine there is a bright red swing set I sit on while I ponder these great questions, that in itself may just be thought procrastination, pushing myself higher and higher as if hoping the dizzy heights will give me some sort of profound clarity, while the rest of the world zooms past with what feels like drive and determination.

Am I really the only one who is lost? Am I all of a sudden devoid of the resolve I thought I had? Am I really so afraid of failure I can no longer find the courage to try? If I don’t make the most of my twenties will I be plagued with regret for the rest of my life? And how exactly do I make the most of my twenties? Do I use this time to be free and experience life? Or do I set the foundations for my future? What if I lay foundations in the wrong place and forever destroy something that could have been? How do I keep all these thoughts in my head? They feel like they are falling out of my ears in streams of gibberish and causing floods of emotions, indecision and plain hysteria. And the biggest question I find myself desperately trying to pick apart; when did life get so serious?

It's difficult to realise your life is nothing more than a tangled ball of wool; too many threads that look like they will untangle the mess but in reality they pull some places too tight and leave even more ends unanswerable. And that maybe life wont be what I had planned when I was 5; I am pretty sure becoming an astronaut is out of the question. But perhaps something better will come along. And until then, if you want me, look for me on the days I feel lost, wrapped in my duvet watching movies I am ashamed to have on my 'recently watched on Love Film Instant' list.